Writings

What a glorious ability! To put one's thoughts and dreams and fears into a form that can be revisited again and again. Sometimes the revisiting hurts when you reread words that you'd penned years ago. And sometimes it makes you smile.

I've been doing a lot of writing over the last couple of days. And reading. And discovering more about myself. And deciding what should be laid to rest and what should be rekindled.

Life is a wondrous thing and there are so many ways of looking at beauty and feeling good about things. All we need to do is to be open to them. We need to listen when the Universe is telling us that something won't work and that it's time to look for a different way.

When we were kids we were taught a song... well, lots of songs, but this one was special. For me it was "Goin' on a Squeegie Hunt", for many of you it might have been something different. In the song we are met with dozens of obstacles. Boulders, rivers, fields of wheat, just about everything a child's mind could think of that we'd have to trek past to find the squeegie (and, no, I still don't know what that is). With each obstacle it was up to the singer to figure out ways to pass. Around the boulder, swim the river, through the field. And, of course, we made the appropriate sounds and motions as we sang. It was fun. At the end, we found the scary squeegie and had to race back past all the things we'd encountered in reverse order.

Now, I look at all the things we must get past and I realize that we don't stop to think about the best way, we just barge through. I think it's time to stop and really think about how to get through things. How can a person get past the financial issues they may be facing? The relationship hurts? The loneliness of children growing up? The emptiness when loved ones are gone?

We are not machines, built to trudge ahead with no regard to our hearts. We are humans, created to love, laugh, cry, dream, believe, weep, dance, sorrow, celebrate, and so much more.

We need to find the ways to be human in these things.

I hope you can find those ways.

Struggle

There are just some days when it's harder to hold onto the faith that everything will be okay. I know, in my head, that things will even out and the sparkle of the day will return. I can tell myself that the weeks of brightness weren't an aberration and that they will return. I can push myself to believe that the smiles and easy-going laughter were not the exception, but were the normal.

But when it stops abruptly, when the world just seems dismal, when it seems there isn't anywhere to turn for comfort... it is hard to keep believing.

Yes, this is where some of my moments have been. I don't share all the negative stuff simply because I think the world has enough and doesn't need mine added to it. Today, though... today feels like there is an attack coming from all fronts and I stand in the middle, doing my best to battle it all. And keeping that smile plastered to my face so that the rest of the world doesn't see how hard I'm struggling to stay on my feet. To stay cheerful. To stay positively focused on the good things.

Days like this the simple gift of knowing that I do have people out there who love me, is the only thing that keeps me going.

Storms...

Last night there was supposed to be an amazing storm. Even though I was worried about the safety of a loved one, I wanted crashing thunder and a torrential downpour. Instead it was a fairly steady rain that was more soothing than cathartic. I needed the powerful storm last night. Yes, I'll admit there were tears shed yesterday and I wanted to wash some of that hurt away. It's hard when the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one. And a storm would have helped ground me a bit.

Ah well, I can't control the weather, can I?

This is the second morning I've woken this early and it's a little interesting. I didn't feel tired throughout the day yesterday (even though I had a crying headache) and I'm hoping today will be the same. I have a lot of errands to run and don't want to lose my "oomph" before I've finished them all. I'll be taking some knitting with me, of course. I am finally knitting with the yarn that Pacasha (of Younger Yarn) sent to me. These socks are going to be awesome.

I have a lot in mind for crafting, but I'll leave that for later in the day. In the meantime, my focus will be on making sure all my paperwork is in order for all the changes being made. Registering my business, new IDs, update banking information, and so much more. One item on my list is a passport, but that will be happening around my birthday. What will I use it for if I can't even bring myself to get on a plane? Well, that's one of the changes coming up. I don't know where I'll go, but I'm determined to go somewhere this year. On a plane. Hopefully not by myself, though.

It's almost time to have my blood tested again. At the end of this month it will have been 6 months. I'm not nearly as nervous as I first thought I'd be. In fact, I'm feeling pretty good about the prospect. After all, I've eliminated almost all sugars and starches from my foods, I've been working out mostly regularly (there have been some times when it falls by the wayside, but never longer than a few days), and I've been meditating more (relieves stress). Yes, there are still areas in my life that cause me a great deal of stress, but I'm managing them much better, I think.

Now it's time to get those socks started so I can start the morning routine. I hope you all have a blessed day.

Thoughts...

How is it that a person can cry about someone they have never met, never talked with on the phone, and only have shared a smattering of emails?

That is where I am right now. A woman I would call a friend has been going through some major crap and my heart breaks for her struggle and for her pain. There is no cure, only ways to help battle the pain, nausea, fatigue, discomfort, and everything else that has become a part of her daily life.

For a brief moment I felt guilty at my good fortune. I am strong, healthy, and my life is filled with many blessings. I'm getting stronger daily. My body is getting healthier daily. I believe that I will walk the path on the Tor one day. And I felt guilty.

I think I know that she would shake her head at that and tell me not to. And that also makes me want to cry. I believe she's happy for me. For all the good things happening in my life. For all the progress I've shared with her in this short time we've known each other. For my happiness. And, even though I am in tears over this, I know that she would be disappointed in me, such as our friendship is, if I stopped living my life to my best ability.

~

I had to stop for a bit since this wasn't going how I'd planned when I sat down. The plan was to write about my sacred spaces and how I create them. I'll save that for tomorrow.

Time vs. Age

I wrote an email to a friend yesterday to send her birthday wishes and it occurred to me that I had no idea how old she was. I gave it a little thought and figured she was probably a little younger than me.  If I'd thought about it more I might have come to a different conclusion, after all, her kids are fully grown and have been on their own for a few years. When I read her answer this morning I started thinking about how old I am. Forty years, six months and eighteen days have passed since I was born. That seems like a lot. But when I look at how I feel and how my life is improving almost daily I realize that my age is very different. I don't really feel much older than I did when I was twenty-eight.

I'm sure it helps that I eliminated toxic chemicals from my home several years ago, along with a lot of the toiletries we had. I'm sure it helps that I've had a mostly healthy diet for the greater part of my adulthood. I'm sure it helps that I'm eating better now than I ever have.

I thought about this some more as I pedaled away on that bike. I wasn't concerned with my heart health a decade ago. I ran at the park with the kids, walked to the grocery store, danced in the living room... but that was about it. Now? I am sitting my bottom on that seat almost daily and sweating until it drips from my elbows. A decade ago I might have laughed at people who did that.

I think some of the most important factors are the ones that include my friends & loved ones. The support and energy they send out to me, whether through prayers, hugs, texts, emails, whatever, has probably helped me more than anything else to keep my feeling so vibrant and alive.

Even when I'm plagued with nightly dreams that are bad enough to wake me with a scream caught in my throat, I know that they are out there, caring about me, thinking about me, and inspiring me.

I'm sure there is a lot of scientific proof that friends are good for you. I'm in full agreement. Choose your friends wisely, be sure they make you smile, push you a little beyond your limits, cheer for your triumphs and sorrow for your tears. As time passes, I truly think your age will remain untouched.

I wonder...

I wonder about the future of this country so many times lately. Everywhere I turn there is anger and people shouting to be heard. There are causes that break my heart and other that make me cringe. There are people claiming to be tolerant, while sneering at other people's different views. When will it end? What kind of place will we be handing over to our children? To our grandchildren? Will they do a better job of saving the last vestiges of sanity?

I've done my best to stay out of the political arguments since I know that naught will come of it but anger and more shouting. Even in the people I think of as intelligent, there is still that need to be heard and, so, more shouting. I think the internet makes us feel that we can say what we like and we forget that there are people on the other end. Real people, with homes and lives and loved ones. The vitriol is a little frightening at times. It breeds more hate.

I will say this: It's just as wrong to tell someone that they lack intelligence because they believe in a Higher Power as it is to tell someone that they can't make decisions about their reproductive organs because they are female.

Please, when you go about your day, and you read all the articles and the comments, stop and think about how you will really affect your friends when you post your own comments. This is our world. I, for one, would rather it was filled with intelligent debate than mindless bickering.

Happy words

Spring certainly seems to be here! I've been able to go for a walk, spend time in the back yard and even put the screens on the windows. I know, I know, we might still get a cold day, but I doubt it will be so cold that I'll regret the screens. I love being able to open the windows and let a fresher breeze come through. It feels like it's blowing away all the stale winter air.

Brianna got her first pair of track shoes today. She seems pretty happy about it and smiled when we got them. I am proud of her. She's worked through the conditioning and the training and really seems to be proud of herself, too. And, she called herself a runner today. That brought a huge smile to my face.

I hope you are all having a wonderful weekend!

Quiet...

The house has been filled with a certain energy for the last couple weeks. Excitement for a visit, the happiness of arrival, the warmth of family time. And now the house is filled with a different energy. An emptiness that makes me want to whisper instead of talk normally. And  makes me want to lay down and go back to sleep. But there is a feeling of gratitude as well. The time was well spent for the most part. He's got a good head on his shoulders and a strong heart. I miss him already, but I'm so happy for the fact that he's on his own journey.

So, now what? I think it's time to turn on the music and get on the bike. Knitting is a requirement, of course.

Family time

This past weekend has been one filled with love and laughter and I know that I will cherish the memories of it for the rest of my days. From the outside this might have all been seen as "boring" or something along those lines, but anyone who knows me, knows that the time I spend with my children and with Kevin are more special than mere words can describe.

Thursday was mostly spent just hanging out with Anthony at the mall. It was nice having that time alone with him, learning the changes in him, learning to see him as an adult. That's not always an easy thing to do, of course, but I think I'm getting better.

Friday was a wonderful family dinner with all of us. When was the last time the four of us were together? I don't know... a long time ago. We laughed at some old memories (like being slapped with butter), shared some new smiles (Father Guido), and enjoyed a new game of Munchkin. Falling asleep that night felt so peaceful and I knew that part of that was having my loved ones all together.

Saturday started with a smile and just got better as the day progressed. When I woke enough to stay awake, the kids and I got some time together. How interesting it is to see the changes in each of them over the last year! As the time continues to pass, I know things will keep changing and growing and I hope to always have the strength to see those changes as positive. Later in the day Brianna went to a friend's house while the rest of us went to dinner. I think that was one of the first times I really stopped to think about how the future will be when both of my kids are adults. It made me smile, and wistful. I don't know what that future will hold, but I am a bit comforted knowing that I won't be traveling alone.

Through this time, thoughts have been swirling around my head of the future, of the past, of the present. Of tears, of joy, of love. Of triumphs, of fears, of life. And through it all my heart is filled with the knowledge that it is all good.

Reflections...

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. Now, I certainly do not pretend to know much about the whole practice, but I did do a little reading over the years. From my limited knowledge, Lent seems to be a time of quieting your soul so that you are closer to God. You refrain from indulgences and vices in order to fill the time with prayer and mindfulness. In a way (as I see it), it's a time to de-tox your body and mind so that you can be on a more spiritual path. How can that be a negative thing?

I have heard, over the years, how people are giving up chocolate or alcohol or whatever, for lent. They complain about how long the time is and how hard it will be. I used to wonder why they would give up anything at all if that's how they felt. From my point of view, it seemed that they were doing it grudgingly and that just doesn't make sense. Shouldn't an action that will bring you closer to your God be done joyfully? I think it should.

As many of you know, I do not follow the Christian path, but the thought of setting aside a period of time to reconnect with Spirit, to cleanse your Self of toxins, to learn to be more fully in the moment all seems like a really good idea. Some of my Pagan friends would shake their heads that I'm borrowing from the Christians and some of my Christian friends might just laugh. The Atheists? They'll probably just raise an eyebrow and wonder if I'm just not right in the head. Regardless, I know that my friends are cool folks anyway.

So, what am I going to do? I'm taking a page from another blog and following the daily questions listed there. I won't be looking over her answers since I want this to be wholly my thoughts with no other influence. And, I won't be posting them online. Instead my musings will be handwritten in a journal. I believe that gives them more energy.

On another note!

I spent the morning in the kitchen playing. No, not with yarns and dyes this time, but with actual food. Amazing, isn't it? I had three recipes I wanted to try out and some healthy ingredients. Some are organic like the quinoa, mushrooms, cacao nibs, and coconut milk. Others are just normal stuff.


This is a Vietnamese eggplant dish called Ca Tim Kho To. It is a lot more simple than the recipe led me to believe. I got the recipe from a friend along with a cool skein of yarn. (She has an Etsy shop here.) I had to make a couple changes to the original recipe (I didn't use rice and don't have fish sauce), but I do like how it turned out. I don't know if anyone else here will like it, but I now have two containers in the fridge for lunch or dinner.

 I was more than a little nervous about using these things I'd never even heard of before. Like sriracha sauce. I had no clue what that even was, but I picked up a bottle all the same. When I opened it the smell reminded my of red hot sauce. The sesame oil was a little like roasted seeds or something.

As you can see, I used quinoa instead of rice, and next time I will use sprouted lentils. For the record, I didn't use the chopsticks to eat this since I'm not that good at using them.

This was just a tiny serving since I knew that I'd be trying other foods this morning, too. The sauce wasn't too spicy for me and I actually liked it quite a bit. I think I cooked the eggplant a little too long so I will keep a closer eye on that next time. I may also add more garlic. I think if this was served over a bed of brown rice or even white rice, I might be able to get others to try it a little easier. After all, the quinoa might be a little too much, especially since the eggplant alone creates a couple of turned up noses. Hopefully the flavor will help with that.

 The next thing I tried was homemade hot chocolate made with coconut milk, ground cacao nibs, and stevia. I loosely based my concoction on recipes found online so that I had a base to start with. I will say this up front: I did not grind all the nibs by hand. I was going to but after several minutes with little progress I got out the little electric grinder I have.

This is probably not something most people would like. The nibs weren't completely ground so there were bits in the drink. I liked them in there. This drink reminded me a little of a chocolate shop in Asheville, NC and I am determined to keep trying. Next time I will use regular milk and will actually purchase some cacao powder. Well, not right away, perhaps before next winter. In the meantime I will try this with some of the cocoa powder (yes, there is a slight difference) that Brianna has on her shelf.

  The last recipe wasn't really a recipe at all. Instead it was  a way for me to throw together several things I like, just in a different presentation. Here you can see the chopped kale, onions, a little chicken broth and a spice blend with 22 various spices in it (they're all antioxidant).

The mushrooms didn't quite fit into the small pan I have, so I cut the rest of them into smaller pieces before sautéing them. These smell a little richer than the simple white mushrooms I usually use.

 

After I added the mushrooms to the kale I let it simmer for about 10 minutes or so. Once the kale started to get slightly limp I turned off the stove and let it sit for a while before adding the rest of the quinoa.

Here is a tiny portion again. I actually liked this better than the eggplant. I can think of many things to add to this such as meats, other veggies, different spices, and so much more. The good thing? It's all healthy stuff.

I will be putting this into more containers so that I have a couple choices over the next few days. I don't like going into the kitchen with the knowledge that I need to eat but don't have the time to prepare something at the moment. This way (just like my bean soups and chili), I just grab something and heat it up.

Well, it's past time for me to get on that bike. I hope you're all having a wonderful day.