Through the fog...

It's already the end of January... this whole month seems like it has flown past with barely a moment to catch my breath and steady myself. Through minor things at home (overhead pipes and ceiling repairs) to major nightmares that have kept me from sleeping, from wonderful new customers to no paycheck for more than a month, from the sense of accomplishment of pedaling so many miles to the dark moments when I feared that accomplishment... it's all there, in the neat little boxes of the calender.

And yet, even with the dark times, the light shone through all the more brightly. When I finally lost the tentative control I had over my fears, and cried bitter tears, I was held close and comforted, the burden becoming lighter. It would be okay. I was not alone. That was the most important one. The repairs were small (although probably not to the one doing the work), the money came through, the size issue will pass as my strength increases. It was the dreams that haunted even my days that caused me the most harm. I am so very thankful that I was able to let go of that fear and desolation. Am I still afraid? Yes, a little, I am. But knowing that there is another who shares that weight with me, eases that pain more than words can ever express.

During this month I've also gotten better at letting go of issues that cause negativity in my life. That feels so peaceful! I once would keep trying to figure out a way around the feelings I have, but now, I know that I can acknowledge them, and be grateful for my intuition and strength, even when others do not agree with me.

I have so much to learn! And I am making the time to learn the things I want. All of it has to do with Life. The life I want, the life I know I deserve. When I feel that I've learned enough of each item, I will share it with you.

Why did I choose this picture? You see the fog? That is how our lives can sometimes be. We can't see very far ahead and we get frightened of that fact. We fear what lies ahead. But, when we look up the sky is just as blue, just as bright and we can know that Hope lies ahead and all around us. We can know that we just need to keep moving forward. When we reach the end of our Journey, we can look back at the road we have traveled and know that we did our best. And we will know that we made it through the fog, not just once, but hundreds of times. And each time the sun shone a little brighter.

Ups and downs

What a crazy bit of stuff! The last couple weeks have certainly been all over the place in terms of emotions. It's all part of the wonder of Life, I know, and I'm grateful. Even for the lows.

I am happy that the kind of people entering my life are so very different than they used to be! The people now are so full of light and beauty and strength and I truly believe my life is enriched by knowing them. It is much easier letting go of the ones who cause me pain and grief.

My goals for biking have changed slightly. Part of that is pushing through some fears I have about being thinner. One of those fears is pretty silly when it's brought out to light, and Kevin has helped with that one a bit. The other... it resides in a darker part of me that I truly thought was buried. I am stronger now. I am more aware now. I won't let this fear keep me from having a body I want.

I am sitting here today looking at the snow drifts in the yard and watching a few flakes drift down and I feel more at peace than I have in a couple weeks. I am happy for the snow, covering all the emptiness.

End of the year...

In less than 12 hours it will be time to change calenders, get used to writing "2012" on our papers, and (hopefully) feel relief that 2011 is behind us.

I chose this picture today because it shows so well how the things up close are easy to see, and what is further down the road won't come into focus until we reach them. Each day brings new focuses and new challenges and it's not always important to know what the view tomorrow will be. Or even an hour from now. Each moment it is important to see the beauty of what is right in front of you.

I've been thinking a lot lately. About my life, the choices I made, the path to get to Here, the possible paths to There, yesterdays, todays, tomorrows. And most of those thoughts have made me glad to be who I am.

I have some very important people in my life right now. The most important ones are Anthony, Brianna, and Kevin. Coming close to them is my Dad and my chosen family (the ones I call Sisters). Without these people in my life, things would be dreary and empty.

I wrote about Kevin last month. I mentioned how he's brought me to my highest highs, as well as my lowest lows. He also has pushed me to grow more than anyone else. And has pushed me to stand my ground in times I'd normally give in. He's the first one I turn to with anything significant: ASC news, issues & triumphs with my children, sorrows and celebrations, fears and hopes. I will be forever grateful for all of that.

My children... There has not been a moment, since I knew of their existences, that has been dull or unimportant. Everything about their lives has touched my own in such a significant way that there really is no way to describe it. I have cried more, feared more, and become more angry than I thought possible. But I've also laughed more, faced more demons, and felt more love than I thought possible. I cannot imagine my life without them. I thank Spirit everyday for their presence in my life.

My Dad has come into my life only in the recent years. Through that, we've learned respect for each other, acceptance of our differences, and are building a wonderful relationship. It's like a chance to start with a clean slate with each other. We can meet each other as adults and grow from there. That is a rare and precious gift, and one that I cherish.

My chosen family... Oh, what a difference they have made to my life! The love and support from them has been overwhelming at times in its beauty. I leaned heavily on them during some really rough times. They encouraged me, loved me, and never let me down. They mean the world to me in more ways than I can describe.

This year has been tough financially, but our bills have gotten paid and we had food in the house. This year has been a roller-coaster emotionally, but I've grown through it and was able to share most of it with others. This year has been frightening physically, but I've learned so much about how to take good care of myself. And, perhaps most important, this year has really stretched my Faith, and even through that, I have felt the presence of Spirit, filling me with the strength to keep going.

Many people might look at my life as not-so-bad or even spectacular. That's really good, because then I can remember that I had a really good year. My loved ones were there through it all, and that made it an amazing year in my life.

I am looking forward to many more.

The day before the day...

It's almost here. The day when we can really look at the clock and know that the day has begun to get longer. These few short days (since the 20th) have been overcast and dreary, and yet, after reading an interesting Daily Om, I reevaluated my outlook. Rainy days shouldn't be dreaded and depressing. Instead I should be focusing on how I can use the day as a time of reflection. Will this be easy? No, of course not. Few things really are.

On the 25th the days will begin to slowly grow. Oh, so slowly. But the knowledge that they are lengthening will give many people a renewed sense of hope and of peace. There are moments when I wish everyone could feel that on a daily basis. To be able to look at the dark times as a time to rest and gather their strength. Even when I forget it for myself, I still wish it for others.

I have an interesting variety of birds in my yard lately. From large crows to tiny finches, they all spend a little time here chattering at each other, plucking the last of the belladonna berries, and just watching over it all. I love watching their movements, each different from the others. There are times when all I want to do is to fly up there with them. To feel the small branches bend beneath my feet as the wind washes over me. Oh, to fly along the breezes as the world slips past me below! What a glorious thought!

Does this contradict with my fear of flying? Some people might think so. Still, I think it would be very different knowing that I am the one in control of my flight and not a bulky machine built by the lowest bidder.

I have a lot to finish this morning and so I must get going. I hope you are all having a wonderful day.

Wintry

"Deep in the wintry parts of our minds, we are hardy stock and know there is no such thing as a work-free transformation. We know that we will have to burn to the ground in one way or another, and then sit right in the ashes of who we once thought we were and go on from there."
-Clarissa Pinkola Estés

The days are getting shorter and shorter now, of course. It's not an easy time of the year for many people for myriad reasons. I’m trying to look at the next couple weeks as a “shedding” time. For example, I’m shedding a dehydrated body by drinking more water. I’m shedding some of the cluttered spots in the house. I'm shedding some old ways of thinking that still hang on.

On December 20 the days will be at 9h10m and will hover there until the 25 when it will be 9h11m (found that info here, and yours will be different), and I will celebrate a “hesitation” of sorts and focus on how the darkness of Night affects me positively, such as time to dream, time to see the stars, time to connect. Once the days begin to lengthen, I will start focusing on how day positively affects me. And I will create new habits.

As for sharing the journey on my blog, and through my personal groups? I’m half afraid that if I do not, I may not reach my goals. Most of my life I have gone through things without a support network and it’s been so much of a struggle. Granted, that all did its part in helping me to grow, but growth comes with knowing my friends are there, too. Now I have many friends who are working along with me in all of this. I’m thinking this way, the burden might be lighter in a way.

As the days shorten, I truly hope you are able to find the time to reflect on the deep parts of your Spirit. The parts that are Self.

Namaste.

Shocked and confused

Yes, I was shocked by one of my reactions today. Intense jealousy and pain, then guilt because I felt that way. All of them hit me out of nowhere, leaving me sobbing. Yes, really sobbing, and now I feel emptied out.

You see, a friend's daughter arrived back in the states today from Iraq. I am so filled with happiness for them, but the other feelings... Anthony won't be home for a while more. This is our first holiday without him. Brianna & I will be alone, with each other.

I wasn't going to write about it, but maybe there is another parent out there who is feeling the same way. If you are reading this, please know that you are not alone. Please know that I am so grateful to you and your support for your loved ones so far away.

And to my friend? I would like to say to her, and to all the families who are so joyful today, I am so very sorry for my reaction. I truly am happy for you all and I really do appreciate all that you have gone through. My only excuse is that I miss my son, but I know he'd not want me to be sad, so I will turn on the music and reflect on how much you have all gone through to get to this point.

Namaste.

Rainy Days

Sometimes it seems that the rain will never stop and the sun will stay hiding forever. But we all know better, logically, that the sun will come back. Until it does, I'm going to do my best to look for the rainbows. To trust in the turn of the Earth. To let go of the fears of failure.

I wrote a short little poem yesterday about the grey skies and Jack Frost. It made me smile a little to think of a little sprite bringing frostiness to the mornings, even as I dreaded trying to chip ice off the Jeep windows.

I'm focusing today on so many positive things in my life that the grey skies will seem like a softness, instead of the oppressive weight I usually see.

With all my heart, I hope you are all finding some beauty in this day. Whatever it might be... a candle flicker, a unique shape in the cloud, the glimpse of an eagle, a snowflake... whatever touches your Soul, I hope you see it.

Dark Days Challenge, Week 1

SOLE - sustainable, organic, local, ethical Well, I feel that my first week was a bit of a fail. I'm still looking for some local foods (by using  Local Harvest and Eat Well Guide)  and am going to expand my circle of where to look. However, I did buy some organic foods and enjoyed a butternut squash soup, a small salad and apple juice the other day. I'll keep trying though! Here is the soup I had with lots of veggies tossed in (and mushrooms):

Truths

I had an appointment this morning with a doctor to discuss my lab results. I've been more than a little stressed about this. I've been worried enough that my sleep has been disrupted nearly every night for the last couple of weeks. Even on the days when I felt really good, I also felt that nagging fear that the news would be bad. I've cried about the fear, I've had a hard time enjoying good things around me. And, through this all, I've done my best not to burden my loved ones with the worry, too.

Luckily, the results are nowhere near what I was afraid of. Yes, my sugar count is slightly elevated, but nothing that can't be taken care of here at home. And I will be doing my best to get it completely under control.

The other symptoms? The doctor says that they are most likely stress related. I've been thinking about that most of the morning. It's so easy for me to say that I will just stop stressing about stuff. And yet, I know better. The things I do worry about are real. Some are things that I can change if I work a little harder and a little longer. Other things? Well, they aren't in my control. So... I have to learn to let them go. I don't know how, exactly, since some aspects are an integral part of my life. One way or another, I'll get it figured out. And soon.

Today's weather is not the most pleasant and we might get a little snow by morning. Not enough to stick or anything, just enough to make things more slippery on the roads. Even that won't be a problem, though. The day will go swiftly and smoothly and I'll be ending the day listening to Brianna singing at her concert.

Day 15 of 15 - Thankfulness

What a beautiful day! The air is brisk, the house is warm, cats are purring, and dinner will be awesome.

Today's prompt is "3 things about your life right now that you are thankful for."

My family: My children are the most spectacular blessings a person can imagine. They are healthy and loving and smart and beautiful and, well, completely full of awesome. When each one was born, I knew that I was the luckiest Mom in the Universe. They have helped to keep me focused on what is truly important in life. They have brought such joy to my Spirit that I'm sure they were chosen just for me. Through the years we've shared the strongest bond imaginable. I look forward to continuing my part in their journeys, stepping back when they need to stand on their own, hugging them when they need a little more strength, loving them through it all. 
   Some members of my family have only recently come into my life and I am so glad they found me! My Dad has come to mean the world to me and I am so thankful he's in my life now.  He's been patient while I get to know him as a man. He's welcomed almost every aspect of Me without reservation, and has shown me that paternal love really is as strong as maternal.
   Some of my family is by choice and they are so very special to me. We've shared laughter and pain, we've comforted each other and cheered each other on, we've connected on a level that I never thought possible, and that is also full of awesome. I cannot imagine not having them in my life.

My Self: I am thankful for knowing my own Self as well as I do. And I am so happy to be able to discover more and more beauty in that. The strength, courage, compassion, and love are amazing. The shadows only serve to show how much growth I still have the potential for and I am thankful for those as well. I love my creativity and my sensuality, and my humor, and my intelligence (even when I forget how to spell something). I am so thankful for this gift of Life and the ability to appreciate it.
   As I continue this process of growing and learning more about how I fit into this world, I feel empowered by the Spirit and by the vitality I feel.

Kevin: At no point in my life have I ever known someone like him. His intellect and love of knowledge shines through so brightly that you can't help but to be drawn to it. His passion for life is ever-growing. He has pissed me off more than any other person, and has inspired me more than any other person. As cliche as it sounds, I've experienced my highest highs and my lowest lows with him. He pushes me to be more true to myself than I thought possible. He also brings out the worst in me. In all my life, he's been the only person to touch my life as completely as this. My heart, my soul, my very essence has been intensified.

This has been a wonderful exercise in focusing on what I am really thankful for and I am so glad I participated. May you all feel the wonder of Life.